Harry Potter as Presented by Me, RandomnessLord
by RandomnessLord
Summary: For all those shipping questions! I have personally tasked myself with writing about every single shipping capability in the Harry Potter universe. It will be an extensive challenge, but completely worth it! Read and Review! Rated M for occasional swearing.


_**Harry Potter as Presented by Me, Randomness Lord**_

_For all those who love Harry Potter, I present to you a lovely fanfiction of epic proportions. This story, for all those who so do love shipping Harry Potter characters, shall enjoy this story as I go over every single shipping possibility in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All will be told through the eyes of my OC, Shale. Ready? Alright, let's go…._

Shale Harper sat before the grand school, Hogwarts, beneath the shade of a tree, her blue eyes wide with anticipation. She had been tasked by her higher ups to accomplish one mission. It was a mission that involved every single person within the school. She knew she wouldn't be able to accomplish it alone, so her friend Rake would be showing up soon. She tugged at her pale blonde ponytail and tapped her fingers against her briefcase, a magical item coated with both an invisibility spell, and a hyperspace spell. To anyone who saw her pull something from it, it would appear as if she had taken something from mid-air. She so totally loved it.

Students, wizards and witches of varying ages, wandered about. They were chatting about their summers, and some were wondering who would be on the next Hufflepuff Quidditch team. The thought amused Shale. Just five years ago, she had been inducted into the Hufflepuff house. She couldn't recall anyone's names, mainly because her memory sucked, but also so that they wouldn't interfere with her mission, which was currently five years in the making.

School had only started recently, so no one was for sure what might happen. If things were as interesting as her third year, it could be really super-awesome. Shale's mind began drifting as she remembered Harry Potter's name getting drawn out of the Goblet and how everyone had been shocked. Sadly, that's all she ever saw, and apparently Cedric Diggory had died….not that she really cared.

Currently it was Sunday, and most people were bumming around lazily in what would be one of the last good days of September, before the winds got cold. It was the perfect day for her to start. Her face broke into a wide grin. She brushed her eyes over the landscape, towards the Forbidden Forest, and noted Hagrid. That's where she would start.

She lifted herself up, brushed offed her shorts, and wrapped her cloak, which up until this point was being used as a blanket for her to lie on, around her waist. She hefted up her invisible briefcase, and went off to Hagrid's hut. Her smile was wide, but her mind meandered. She had been waiting all summer. She remembered her boss saying with the utmost seriousness that this mission was deathly important. She didn't really see how her mission was so serious. She actually thought it was fun.

She approached the half giant, and his bearded face was alight with a glowing smile. Hagrid loved Shale as a student. Every question he asked about magical creatures, she had the answer. Shale also enjoyed Hagrid, so it was the reason she chose him first (well, there was that one time where she assumed he was hitting on her, but it turns out he was just hitting on the girl behind her…).

"'Oi!" bellowed the man. "Shale, how yeh been doin'?" He spoke in that gruff, half-giant voice that Shale found so amusing.

"I'm doing quite great," replied Shale politely. Her voice was soft, but held an unmistakable shot of confidence. "Actually Hagrid, I'm doing something, and I need to talk to you." She made a hand motion towards the cabin. "In secret."

Hagrid seemed curious, but didn't question it, and led her inside. She, in all honesty, hated the décor of his home. It was too clumped for her tastes, as she preferred to be free.

"Take a seat there, lass," said Hagrid motioning towards a chair. "I'll make us sum tea 'efore yeh begin."

Tea? Shale couldn't remember the last time Hagrid made tea for _anyone_. He disappeared into the back of his hut, making a large rambling as he passed through. Shale sat down, and wondered when Hagrid had gotten a back to his hut. She really couldn't remember the last time she had been in here; it was so long ago…

Her invisible briefcase sat on her lap, her fingers drumming on it. _Come on, come on…_ she told herself. _Soon…_ she took a deep breath. Once she started, she could never go back…at least, that's what her boss told her. She still didn't see the seriousness in all of this. A deep breath escaped her lips. Her hand slipped into her magic briefcase. She felt cool steel as her fingers wrapped around a handle. Once she pulled it out, the mission would start.

"'Ello? Got yer tea, lass." Hagrid came back with a tiny saucer, a little teacup resting on it. His eyes went wide for a brief moment when he noticed Shale.

Then the top half of his head exploded.

His body, now devoid of brain, eyes, and everything above the upper lip, collapsed onto his hut's floor. Shale was holding a full length, double-barrel shotgun with silver barrels and a black finish. The barrels were smoking, and a playful smile appeared on Shale's face.

_Mission….engage!_

And thus, her assignment began. Mission: Wipe out Hogwarts.

Tossing the shotgun back into the briefcase, she pulled out one IMI Desert Eagle .50 caliber pistol. Had she been any regular person, pulling the trigger on this puppy would recoil so hard it'd break her frail wrists and probably hit her in the face. Luckily, she was a witch, and therefore, used magic to weaken the recoil. She picked up the briefcase in the other hand, and launched herself out of the hut.

Some second years (who were going to talk to Hagrid for whatever reason) were suitably surprised when she busted out, a pistol in her hand. They screamed in fear, but none of them made it far, as she shot all three in the heads. The power of the .50 caliber rounds literally exploded their heads into mush as far down as their shoulders.

Shale's grin widened. She got a bloodlust. _OH YES!_ It felt so good to kill. To see her enemies' eyes as she gunned them down was absolutely glorious. It was practically a turn-on for her.

Soon enough, students who heard the gunshots came in to see what was going on. The moment they saw Shale, though, they tried to flee in terror. She shot those ones down too. However, other students (sixth and seventh years, mind you) attempted to strike back and began slinging spells.

Shale rolled out of the way as a fireball surged past her, and again as bolt of lightning struck where she had once been. She began rapidly firing, getting two kids, and then dodging more spells as she raced up to the three remaining ones. They tried, futilely, to get a spell at her, but she ducked and shot them all in the face.

She stopped for a moment, throwing away her pistol and pulling out a long, thick cord of rope and a Robinson Armament XCR assault rifle. She clipped the case on the rope, tying it across her torso, and held the rifle in both hands. She kept going, howling at the top of her lungs. She saw more students, and her gun let loose, spraying bullets everywhere and killing practically everyone. There was one first year that saw her, and pretended to play dead amongst the bodies.

Shale skipped that one, and went to the great oaken doors of Hogwarts. _Child's play is over…_ she thought. _Let's get serious_.

The doors opened, and she found herself inside the school. Her blue eyes held a bloodlust so freaky that the ghosts around the school disappeared when they saw her (yes, even _Peeves!)._

Suddenly, she heard a voice in her head, a masculine one. "Hey, have you started yet?"

"YES!" she screamed. "Of course I have! Get over here right now!"

"Already here. Just got done killing Slytherin."

"The _whole house_?" Shale was utterly stupefied.

"Well, duh," said the voice. "I even got that faggot Draco. Got 'em right in the eye."

"And the other houses?"

"Dead, dead, and dead. I'm pretty much fighting a war up here with the teachers. Too bad they all suck. Although, there are some punks from Gryffindor that got away. Hurry and find them before they squeal."

"Right!" Shale exclaimed. The voice disappeared, and Shale found herself shooting any unfortunate person who got in her path. In about five minutes she ran out of bullets. She tossed the gun aside, reached into her briefcase and pulled out two M79 grenade launchers, her personal babies.

Screaming loudly "LOOK FOR SURVIVORS!" and "FIND DUMBLEDORE!" there were voices. Shale's smile got even larger, and threatened to tear her face in half. She knew Dumbledore was on the seventh floor, so she found the nearest set of stairs and began her climb.

"I'm going downstairs!" shouted a boy's voice. Suddenly, a red-headed youth came charging down the stairs. He saw Shale and screamed "HE'S NOT ALONE!"

That was the last thing Ron Weasley ever said as a grenade exploded in his face. The resulting explosion took away some stairs, but Shale leapt over the hole and kept going.

Somewhere away, a female voice shouted "What did you say Ron?" That voice, as Shale soon noticed, was Hermione Granger. The brown-haired witch looked at Shale, whom was covered in Ron's blood and a piece of his liver, with a look of utter horror.

She too was met with a grenade in the face.

As Shale kept running, she shot her grenades in every direction, wantonly destroying the beauty that was Hogwarts without a single care in the world. Some students who were hiding screamed as a grenade found their hiding spot and blew their bodies into spots on the ground.

Shale laughed as she shot, but soon found herself out of grenades and she tossed them aside. As she was reaching into her case for new weapons, she heard yelling and the zap of magical energy. Climbing the stairs to the seventh floor, Shale saw a black haired, green eyed boy in the middle of a battle with a black haired, black eyed boy. The black eyed one was wielding what appeared to be a bow, and was pulling back the string to release magical arrows.

The green eyed boy screamed in agony as an arrow found itself into his arm. He fell to the ground, and his wound quickly began bubbling, and eating his skin away. As a last resort, the green eyed boy raised his wand and shot a fireball onto a conveniently placed curtain, lighting it on fire. The flames spread like, well, wildfire, and Shale found her escape down the stairs quickly cut off.

The green eyed boy laughed, his flesh was now nearly completely gone, only his face remaining, giving him time to whisper "…Dumbledore."

And that was the death of the Boy Who Lived.

"Shale! The headmaster's room is through here!" the black eyed boy shouted.

"Really? I thought you could only get through from the gargoyle on the third floor."

"Really?" said the boy. "FUCK!" He shook his head. "Alright, downstairs."

"Rake, you are really stupid," said Shale. "The fire's blocking us off."

Rake waved his hand, and the flames parted. "Let's go."

"Geez, that was easy…."

"This whole story is easy," said Rake with fake indignity.

So the two of them left that floor, went down to the third floor, found the gargoyle, and spent time rambling off words to open it. Eventually, though, the door opened (they had said "Gandalf is gay") and they traversed up a set of spiral stairs.

They found Dumbledore calmly sitting at his desk, his fingers folded in front of him. His long gray beard was neatly brushed, and his hat was on the desk.

"Hello," he said calmly.

"Shut the hell up, old man!" said Rake. "We're here to kill you."

"I see that," replied Dumbledore. "But do not think it will be easy. I am the headmaster at this school, so I shall go down fighting." He stood up, and reached behind his back. Suddenly, the headmaster of Hogwarts was holding a shotgun. "Let's go."

And the battle in the headmaster room began. Rake began shooting at Dumbledore with energy arrows, but each was shot down with a single shot from Dumbledore's gun. Eventually, though, the headmaster ran out of bullets. He, surprisingly, dodged more arrows, and picked up a book, which he threw. It hit Rake on his head, and caused the younger man to drop his bow.

Shale reached into her briefcase and pulled out a small pouch. Reaching into said pouch, she found four-point shuriken. Dumbledore turned to her as she began throwing them _en masse_. There were hundreds of the tiny flying windmills of death.

Dumbledore, using magic, every single sheet of paper from a large book on his desk, and turned each sheet into a paper shuriken. He then telepathically shot these shuriken, and each one deflected one thrown by Shale. Then, out of the blue, one flew from its path, through Shale's defense, and got her in the eye. It dug itself deep into her retina, and blood leaked freely from her socket. She collapsed on the ground, with her mouth open in disbelief.

Rake noticed this. "SHALE!" he screamed. He turned to Dumbledore and picked up his bow again. The old wizard merely flicked his wrist, sending a fireball towards Rake. The young wizard, however, blocked it with a swing of his bow. Suddenly, his bow morphed, becoming two small machine guns (SMG), which he then let fire with.

Dumbledore smiled and swiped his hand, causing all the bullets to crash into the left wall as if an invisible force had pushed them away. The headmaster then pulled out a Gatling gun, bracing it against his old wizard hip. He let loose streams of bullets, all the while shouting "GET SOME WHIPPERSNAPER!"

Rake was able to morph his guns into a giant shield, which took the impact of the bullets, but he could still feel his arms growing numb as he held onto the shield.

The two held this for a long time, until Dumbledore's gun ran out. Rake smiled, morphed his shield into a rocket launcher and said, with utter masculinity. "I'll have what she's having…."

Dumbledore was confused. "That doesn't even make any sense." However, the rocket launched. Dumbledore was able to raise his hand to erect a barrier, but the rocket still exploded, flooding the room with heat. Rake was knocked off his feet, but survived.

When the smoke cleared, Dumbledore was still standing. However, he had lost an arm from the attack, and was bleeding profoundly. His face was set into a grimace that was so uncharacteristic that it made Dumbledore look utterly monstrous. He raised his one arm and said, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The books around the room began flying around him, becoming a whirlwind of leather and paper. Each book ripped the paper out, and that paper folded until it became hundreds of tiny paper spears. The paper spears swirled more and more, gaining momentum. Dumbledore's gray beard flew in his created gale, he pointed his finger at Rake, like that of a god passing judgment.

Rake looked on in total awe and fear. "I am so fucked…."

Dumbledore said, in a deep, booming voice: "YOU, FOR YOUR CRIMES, SHALL SUFFER THE DEATH OF MILLIONS OF PAPER CUTS! PREPARE FOR UTTER DEATH, YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAP—"

But Dumbledore never finished that sentence, because a loud gunshot echoed, putting a hole in his chest the size of a pizza tray. The wizard dropped to the ground, and his paper spears did as well.

Rake looked in amazement as Shale, her left eye socket empty and bleeding, stood with her shotgun in her hand. He stood up and said, "Awesome."

Both terrorists walked to Dumbledore's prone body. He was still alive, and his hand was twitching. He looked up, and, with a look of pity that made Shale want to cry, asked "Why?"

But the wizards didn't answer. Instead, Shale put the gun to Dumbledore's head and said, with a badass smirk. "_Avada Kedavra_, motherfucker."

And then she pulled the trigger.

_And that's it. Didn't you absolutely love it? I answered all your love questions with this. And I have one thing to say to one J.K. Rowling: You suck! The first four books were awesome. You should've stopped there!_

_-Yours truly, RandomnessLord_


End file.
